Journey

It's been quite a while since I posted last time and a lot has happened since. But I realized that on the outside it may not seem like it has, more than that I moved across the globe to shovel shit and horse around (literally).

To a bystander what I portray on social media is that one, I moved to Canada. Two, I quit university to work with my hobby. Three, nope, no Prince Charming in sight, I keep to my horses because they don't break hearts like boys do.

But the journey from graduating upper high school (Gymnasiet) to where I am today has been a long and rocky road of self doubt, heart break, not only my own but others too, and self neglect. I lost myself very early in my teens and have struggled to find a place. Not geographically, but an inner peace more to say, where I feel like I can find my path through life, not making decisions based on fear or looking for acceptance ton fit in. But for my own well being.

Dropping off university was nothing I ever planned or saw myself doing (not that one plans to drop out) but I was at a breaking point in my life where I had buried myself in workloads that were too much for any person to handle. It lead me to cut off all the things that had turned this merry-go-round called life into a fearful roller coaster. All things accept one. The horses.

When I see friends and loved ones from years back getting married, having children and doing grown up things that, in the moment of the news, I wish I could have lead that same life. But that passes quickly when I look at where I stand now.

I moved across the world. Knowing not a single soul where I went. 

I left all the comforts of what was familiar and plunged into the unknown.

I met new people who has thought me so much about myself.

I work at a high level dressage training facility and Canada's biggest semen importer, working with horses and clients I could have only dreamed of.

I see how I've risen above the heartbreaking phrase "Horses will never give you a career" that I grew up having chanted to me. I see that I was down right badass brave, leaving home to pursue a dream I've had struck down all my life.

And then I don't wish I had lead another life than this. I do not envy the life of people from my past or present, I do not wish I had settled with what was available. 

I do not wish to have what I have not.

I live my dream. It's not a walk in the park, it's an extended trot across the diagonal, a canter across the grassfields, a walk under the maple leaf canopy and also in the tack room cleaning bridles, in the stalls mucking manure, brooming down cobwebs in the barn and harrowing the arenas, among many other things.

I dreamed to dare. But I no longer dare to dream. I make it my reality instead.